CRAWFORD, TX— President Bush announced today that he will be making sweeping additions to the so-called "Hummer Tax Loophole," enabling many purchasers of obsolete technologies such as butter churns and Betamax VCRs to claim substantial deductions on their tax returns. "One thing we know about technology, it's behind us," the President said. "Which is why our freedom depends on tax relief and democracy." Analysts are still trying to figure out what the hell he meant.

NEW YORK— Jennifer Lopez recently broke her silence about breaking up with heartthrob Ben Affleck, and it's not what you think! "I could take the gambling and the goatee and the bad movies," said the Gigli star, "but when he bought a Hummer, I knew it was over." J.Lo went on to say that "beer guzzling is one thing, but I had to put my foot down when it came to gas guzzling!"

HOLLYWOOD— The Hummer H2 has been singled out by the Academy of Moronic Arts and Sciences to receive its most coveted award, the Stupie.™ "We really feel that the H2 pushes the bounderies of stupidity," said Academy head honcho John Elwood. "I mean, they must have had a team of monkeys working around the clock on this stuff!" Runners up for the Stupie™ were acid-washed jeans and Vanilla Ice.

WASHINGTON, DC— Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia refused to get out of Vice President Dick Cheney's Hummer, claiming his impartiality will not be damaged by riding shotgun on a duck-hunting trip. "If it is reasonable to think that a Supreme Court justice can be bought so cheap, the nation is in deeper trouble than I had imagined," Scalia wrote last month when asked by the Sierra Club and Judicial Watch to exit the vehicle. "Besides, Dick said I could drive it up the Courthouse steps."